Tag: self-esteem

Low self-esteem affects how you see yourself, value and treat yourself and what you believe you can achieve

In this post, we will break down the differences between self-esteem and self-worth and confidence, what shapes your low self-esteem, risks and benefits and lastly, how to cultivate self-esteem

The difference between self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence

These three are used interchangeably; some might think they are the same thing, but they aren’t, although they overlap, so:

What is Self-esteem:

It’s your general opinion of yourself; it’s how positively you think and feel about yourself based on your traits, skills, progress, and how capable you are of living your life

the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person

Reference: APA self-esteem definition

It fluctuates, depending on recent events like getting a promotion or arguing with a friend

Social comparisons and seeing others living better lives

when your mood is low and you feel anxious, stressed, and tired

When your performance is doing well, in contrast, when it’s not

What is Self-confidence:

It’s your trust in your abilities and skills to accomplish tasks

contextual; you could be confident in writing but insecure in public speaking

It’s developed through practice and repetition and affected by external factors like failures, feedback, and criticism

It fluctuates, depending on recent successes or failures

Confidence is part of self-esteem; Confidence is about abilities, whereas self-esteem is about your overall sense of capability

When you succeed in accomplishing tasks and building skills, you build your confidence, which leads to strengthening your self-esteem, because it’s proof of your capability

What is Self-worth:

It’s your fundamental sense of value and worthiness. It’s internal and unconditional; you don’t need to prove it, earn it, or work for it

You believe that you deserve love, respect, and a place in the world simply for existing

It doesn’t depend on external factors; it’s inherent, constant, and stable

What causes low self-esteem?

1-Negative Self-image

perceiving yourself in a negative light, harsh self-talk, and focusing only on flaws and weaknesses

2-Lack of competence

failures and setbacks, not being allowed to develop skills (a coddled child, a child in an authoritative household, a micromanaged employee, or simply someone with a fixed perfectionistic mindset)

Having your efforts constantly criticised leads to a core belief that I can’t handle things

3- A History of Failures and Lack of Acknowledged Progress

not meeting goals, especially unrealistic, constantly moving the goal post, minimising progress and achievements, leads to a core belief of not being good enough

4-Negative external factors

Receiving constant criticism, judgments or bullying and rejection or being told not good enough from family, friends or teachers

5-Enviroment

Growing up in an unsafe, invalidating and critical environment where love was conditional based on performance

6-Harsh critical inner voice

internalising critical voice until it becomes your own inner voice, hearing constant criticism even if the outer circumstances improve, because no matter what, nothing is good enough for that voice

7-comparison

constant comparison to others’ lives, achievements, milestones, and finding yourself late

Risks of low self-esteem:

1- Self-sabotage

People with low self-esteem tend to engage in self-sabotaging behaviours like procrastination or perfectionism

They have a fear of failure, and despite having the potential, they settle for less than they are capable of

2-High level of stress

They think they aren’t capable, which leads them to stress over everyday life problems

3-Reduced resilience

They have low resilience; they can’t bounce back from a failure or a setback

A single failure would confirm their fear that they are inadequate and incapable

4-Poor decision-making

• They second-guess themselves
• keep relying on others
• They choose what feels safe instead of what is right

5- Toxic relationships

They think they don’t deserve better, so they settle for toxic relationships, whether friends or romantic partners, and they tolerate abuse and disrespect

They might become people pleasers in return to gain approval

6-Poor boundaries

They have a problem saying no, due to fear of conflict or abandonment, and they let go of their needs to please others

7- Eating disorders

Some studies showed links between eating disorders and low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem have a bad body image; they tend to criticise and blame their bodies

They start to believe that if they change their body, if they get thinner or look different, then they will be worthy and feel good about themselves

That might lead to eating disorders

Eating disorder patients evidenced very often a low self-esteem. Self-esteem in eating disorder patients is excessively based on body dissatisfaction

Reference:Self-esteem: a comparison study between eating disorders and social phobia

They found in this study that:

• Changes in BMI don’t affect self-esteem, which means that even losing or gaining weight, the issue persists
• Low self-esteem is a component of the eating disorder itself
• It’s the same for all types, whether anorexia or bulimia

What are the benefits of high self-esteem?

1- High resilience and less stress

You can face challenges and don’t crash down after one setback, you have less stress because you know you are capable, you are secure and don’t worry much about others’ opinion of you

2-More success

You don’t sabotage yourself; you take on challenges for your growth, you handle feedback and criticism well, you see it as data for improvement, not a personal attack

3-You set boundaries

You say no without feeling guilty, and you prioritise your needs

4- Healthy relationships

You don’t settle for less or tolerate any mistreatment

You attract confident and secure people

5- decision-making

You decide for yourself, you don’t rely on others’ opinions

You trust your judgement and make decisions based on your values and what you want and need

6-Better self-care

You value yourself; therefore, you take good care of yourself, physically and mentally

7-Authenticity and assertiveness

When you value and feel good about yourself, you are assertive and express your opinion freely

You are authentic and don’t have to pretend you are anyone else for approval

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity -nathaniel branden

How to cultivate self-esteem :

1-Assess your current self

a- How do I currently describe myself?

• personality
• habits
• strengths
• weakness

Prompt:

Right now I see myself as a person who……….

b- What current beliefs do I have that are limiting?

Examples: I am not good enough, I always fail, I will never succeed, I will never be good at this

Prompt:

A belief about myself that hurt me is ……………

c- Is this belief a fact or a feeling?

• What evidence supports this?
• What evidence disproves this?
• Where did this belief come from?
• Ask trusted people what they see in you?

2- Your ideal self

Your self-esteem will improve when your behaviour matches the identity you value

• Who do I want to become?
• What qualities do I admire in others that I want to develop?
• What values matter most to me?
• What kind of person do I respect?

3- Practice self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance means to acknowledge reality without denial or self-hate

To take an honest look at yourself, acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses

To be okay with where you are right now and to recognise flaws without shame

• What parts of myself have I been refusing to look at honestly?
• What do I criticise myself for the most, and what is the truth beneath that criticism?
• What would accepting this flaw/trait look like instead of fighting it?
• Where do I expect myself to be perfect, and how is that hurting me?
• What tone do I use when I speak to myself, and what tone do I want to use?
• What would a compassionate response to my current situation sound like?
• What parts of my personality have I labelled as wrong or too much?
• How does this trait actually help or protect me?
• If I accepted this trait as part of who I am, what pressure would disappear?
• What do I judge myself for physically?
• Where did this standard come from, me or society?
• How can I treat my body with basic respect today, even if I don’t love everything?
• What did I do today that I’m ashamed of, and what was I feeling underneath?
• How can I hold myself with compassion instead of punishment?
• What would acceptance in this moment sound like if I didn’t fear judgment?
• What part of myself am I constantly fighting with?
• If that part could speak, what would it say?
• How can I cooperate with that part instead of battling it?
• What makes it hard for me to accept myself as I am?
• What expectations am I ready to let go of?
• What is one thing about myself I can choose to accept today, even slightly?

4-Build Self-Efficacy

leave the comfort zone, practice skills and accumulate wins

Your brain believes your experiences, not thoughts. This step is important because, through it, you build proof that you are capable

• Sticking to a small habit
• Learn a new skill
• Keeping your promises. What small promise can I keep to myself today?
• What skill or habit am I practising this week to grow my capability?
• What is a win (even tiny) I achieved recently?

5- Strengthen self-respect

Self-respect is basically how much you value and honour yourself. It’s about recognising your own worth and treating yourself in a way that shows you matter

• Keeping your promises
• Taking care of your needs
• Living by your values
• Setting boundaries
• not tolerating disrespect (even from yourself)

I treat myself like someone who matters

6-Cognitive Restructuring: Rewire your Internal dialogue

Distorted negative thoughts empower low self-esteem

Practice self-awareness and notice when your inner critic comes online. Give your inner critic a name to distance yourself from it, like Karen or Sharon

Reframe your negative into a positive and repeat

• I always fail to I am still learning
• I am not good enough, to I’m growing and I’m proud of my efforts
• Everyone is better than me, to different people have different paths

Book recommendation: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D burns

It teaches readers how to overcome depression and negative moods using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel By Changing the Way You Think

a practical workbook that teaches you how to change your emotions by changing the way you think, using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

7-Build evidence (Portfolio of proof)

collect your :

• accomplishments
• improvements
• times you were proud
• things you handled well
• challenges you overcame

• Today I proved to myself that I am…
• What did I handle better than before?
• What am I grateful for about myself (not external things)?

Improving your self-esteem takes time.

It grows every time you keep your promises, choose acceptance over comparison, and growth over fear.