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  • Self-esteem guide 101

    Self-esteem guide 101

    Low self-esteem affects how you see yourself, value and treat yourself and what you believe you can achieve

    In this post, we will break down the differences between self-esteem and self-worth and confidence, what shapes your low self-esteem, risks and benefits and lastly, how to cultivate self-esteem

    The difference between self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence

    These three are used interchangeably; some might think they are the same thing, but they aren’t, although they overlap, so:

    What is Self-esteem:

    It’s your general opinion of yourself; it’s how positively you think and feel about yourself based on your traits, skills, progress, and how capable you are of living your life

    the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person

    Reference: APA self-esteem definition

    It fluctuates, depending on recent events like getting a promotion or arguing with a friend

    Social comparisons and seeing others living better lives

    when your mood is low and you feel anxious, stressed, and tired

    When your performance is doing well, in contrast, when it’s not

    What is Self-confidence:

    It’s your trust in your abilities and skills to accomplish tasks

    contextual; you could be confident in writing but insecure in public speaking

    It’s developed through practice and repetition and affected by external factors like failures, feedback, and criticism

    It fluctuates, depending on recent successes or failures

    Confidence is part of self-esteem; Confidence is about abilities, whereas self-esteem is about your overall sense of capability

    When you succeed in accomplishing tasks and building skills, you build your confidence, which leads to strengthening your self-esteem, because it’s proof of your capability

    What is Self-worth:

    It’s your fundamental sense of value and worthiness. It’s internal and unconditional; you don’t need to prove it, earn it, or work for it

    You believe that you deserve love, respect, and a place in the world simply for existing

    It doesn’t depend on external factors; it’s inherent, constant, and stable

    What causes low self-esteem?

    1-Negative Self-image

    perceiving yourself in a negative light, harsh self-talk, and focusing only on flaws and weaknesses

    2-Lack of competence

    failures and setbacks, not being allowed to develop skills (a coddled child, a child in an authoritative household, a micromanaged employee, or simply someone with a fixed perfectionistic mindset)

    Having your efforts constantly criticised leads to a core belief that I can’t handle things

    3- A History of Failures and Lack of Acknowledged Progress

    not meeting goals, especially unrealistic, constantly moving the goal post, minimising progress and achievements, leads to a core belief of not being good enough

    4-Negative external factors

    Receiving constant criticism, judgments or bullying and rejection or being told not good enough from family, friends or teachers

    5-Enviroment

    Growing up in an unsafe, invalidating and critical environment where love was conditional based on performance

    6-Harsh critical inner voice

    internalising critical voice until it becomes your own inner voice, hearing constant criticism even if the outer circumstances improve, because no matter what, nothing is good enough for that voice

    7-comparison

    constant comparison to others’ lives, achievements, milestones, and finding yourself late

    Risks of low self-esteem:

    1- Self-sabotage

    People with low self-esteem tend to engage in self-sabotaging behaviours like procrastination or perfectionism

    They have a fear of failure, and despite having the potential, they settle for less than they are capable of

    2-High level of stress

    They think they aren’t capable, which leads them to stress over everyday life problems

    3-Reduced resilience

    They have low resilience; they can’t bounce back from a failure or a setback

    A single failure would confirm their fear that they are inadequate and incapable

    4-Poor decision-making

    • They second-guess themselves
    • keep relying on others
    • They choose what feels safe instead of what is right

    5- Toxic relationships

    They think they don’t deserve better, so they settle for toxic relationships, whether friends or romantic partners, and they tolerate abuse and disrespect

    They might become people pleasers in return to gain approval

    6-Poor boundaries

    They have a problem saying no, due to fear of conflict or abandonment, and they let go of their needs to please others

    7- Eating disorders

    Some studies showed links between eating disorders and low self-esteem

    People with low self-esteem have a bad body image; they tend to criticise and blame their bodies

    They start to believe that if they change their body, if they get thinner or look different, then they will be worthy and feel good about themselves

    That might lead to eating disorders

    Eating disorder patients evidenced very often a low self-esteem. Self-esteem in eating disorder patients is excessively based on body dissatisfaction

    Reference:Self-esteem: a comparison study between eating disorders and social phobia

    They found in this study that:

    • Changes in BMI don’t affect self-esteem, which means that even losing or gaining weight, the issue persists
    • Low self-esteem is a component of the eating disorder itself
    • It’s the same for all types, whether anorexia or bulimia

    What are the benefits of high self-esteem?

    1- High resilience and less stress

    You can face challenges and don’t crash down after one setback, you have less stress because you know you are capable, you are secure and don’t worry much about others’ opinion of you

    2-More success

    You don’t sabotage yourself; you take on challenges for your growth, you handle feedback and criticism well, you see it as data for improvement, not a personal attack

    3-You set boundaries

    You say no without feeling guilty, and you prioritise your needs

    4- Healthy relationships

    You don’t settle for less or tolerate any mistreatment

    You attract confident and secure people

    5- decision-making

    You decide for yourself, you don’t rely on others’ opinions

    You trust your judgement and make decisions based on your values and what you want and need

    6-Better self-care

    You value yourself; therefore, you take good care of yourself, physically and mentally

    7-Authenticity and assertiveness

    When you value and feel good about yourself, you are assertive and express your opinion freely

    You are authentic and don’t have to pretend you are anyone else for approval

    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity -nathaniel branden

    How to cultivate self-esteem :

    1-Assess your current self

    a- How do I currently describe myself?

    • personality
    • habits
    • strengths
    • weakness

    Prompt:

    Right now I see myself as a person who……….

    b- What current beliefs do I have that are limiting?

    Examples: I am not good enough, I always fail, I will never succeed, I will never be good at this

    Prompt:

    A belief about myself that hurt me is ……………

    c- Is this belief a fact or a feeling?

    • What evidence supports this?
    • What evidence disproves this?
    • Where did this belief come from?
    • Ask trusted people what they see in you?

    2- Your ideal self

    Your self-esteem will improve when your behaviour matches the identity you value

    • Who do I want to become?
    • What qualities do I admire in others that I want to develop?
    • What values matter most to me?
    • What kind of person do I respect?

    3- Practice self-Acceptance

    Self-acceptance means to acknowledge reality without denial or self-hate

    To take an honest look at yourself, acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses

    To be okay with where you are right now and to recognise flaws without shame

    • What parts of myself have I been refusing to look at honestly?
    • What do I criticise myself for the most, and what is the truth beneath that criticism?
    • What would accepting this flaw/trait look like instead of fighting it?
    • Where do I expect myself to be perfect, and how is that hurting me?
    • What tone do I use when I speak to myself, and what tone do I want to use?
    • What would a compassionate response to my current situation sound like?
    • What parts of my personality have I labelled as wrong or too much?
    • How does this trait actually help or protect me?
    • If I accepted this trait as part of who I am, what pressure would disappear?
    • What do I judge myself for physically?
    • Where did this standard come from, me or society?
    • How can I treat my body with basic respect today, even if I don’t love everything?
    • What did I do today that I’m ashamed of, and what was I feeling underneath?
    • How can I hold myself with compassion instead of punishment?
    • What would acceptance in this moment sound like if I didn’t fear judgment?
    • What part of myself am I constantly fighting with?
    • If that part could speak, what would it say?
    • How can I cooperate with that part instead of battling it?
    • What makes it hard for me to accept myself as I am?
    • What expectations am I ready to let go of?
    • What is one thing about myself I can choose to accept today, even slightly?

    4-Build Self-Efficacy

    leave the comfort zone, practice skills and accumulate wins

    Your brain believes your experiences, not thoughts. This step is important because, through it, you build proof that you are capable

    • Sticking to a small habit
    • Learn a new skill
    • Keeping your promises. What small promise can I keep to myself today?
    • What skill or habit am I practising this week to grow my capability?
    • What is a win (even tiny) I achieved recently?

    5- Strengthen self-respect

    Self-respect is basically how much you value and honour yourself. It’s about recognising your own worth and treating yourself in a way that shows you matter

    • Keeping your promises
    • Taking care of your needs
    • Living by your values
    • Setting boundaries
    • not tolerating disrespect (even from yourself)

    I treat myself like someone who matters

    • Where did I betray myself this week (people-pleasing, ignoring needs)?
    • How can I show myself respect in the next 24 hours?
    • What standards do I want to uphold consistently?

    6-Cognitive Restructuring: Rewire your Internal dialogue

    Distorted negative thoughts empower low self-esteem

    Practice self-awareness and notice when your inner critic comes online. Give your inner critic a name to distance yourself from it, like Karen or Sharon

    Reframe your negative into a positive and repeat

    • I always fail to I am still learning
    • I am not good enough, to I’m growing and I’m proud of my efforts
    • Everyone is better than me, to different people have different paths

    Book recommendation: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D burns

    It teaches readers how to overcome depression and negative moods using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques

    Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel By Changing the Way You Think

    a practical workbook that teaches you how to change your emotions by changing the way you think, using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

    7-Build evidence (Portfolio of proof)

    collect your :

    • accomplishments
    • improvements
    • times you were proud
    • things you handled well
    • challenges you overcame
    • Today I proved to myself that I am…
    • What did I handle better than before?
    • What am I grateful for about myself (not external things)?

    Improving your self-esteem takes time.

    It grows every time you keep your promises, choose acceptance over comparison, and growth over fear.

  • 3 self-confidence truths you need to know and 3 steps to build it

    3 self-confidence truths you need to know and 3 steps to build it

     You don’t lack self-confidence; you lack a healthy lifestyle, proof of your own capability, and the right mindset

    In this post, we will explore these three truths: how your biology plays a role, why confidence is not permanent, and how your mindset determines its strength, along with three practical steps to build it

    Truth number one: Biology plays a part in self-confidence

    It’s much harder to feel confident when your nervous system is dysregulated, you have a messed-up sleep schedule, high stress levels, and an inability to regulate your emotions

    Your brain has a prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for critical thinking, remaining calm, and making smart decisions

    Another part is the amygdala, which is your brain’s threat center

    When you are deprived of sleep, your amygdala hijacks your brain and disconnects the prefrontal cortex from the amygdala.

    When it becomes hyperreactive, it perceives small tasks or challenges as a threat, like giving a presentation

    Your cortisol levels follow a daily rhythm. When your amygdala is on high alert, it sends signals to release more cortisol (stress hormones)

    This leads your body into chronic stress; therefore, your brain will not feel safe, and your sympathetic nervous system will come online

    This will make your blood pressure, heart rate, and alertness stay high, making it hard to relax

    When you are in “fight or flight” mode, your body is trying to survive, and you won’t be able to regulate your emotions

    Chronic high stress also affects serotonin and dopamine, which play a role in mood regulation

    Truth Number Two: Self-confidence is not permanent

    Confidence naturally fluctuates; depending on the situation, your stress levels, your environment, or whether you’re doing something new.
    Even the most confident person doesn’t feel confident all the time

    For example, you could be confident in your cooking skills but insecure in your writing skills

    You could be a professional public speaker but lack in your athletic abilities

    confidence thrives in a familiar zone, when you come across new challenges, goals, or a new job, you will naturally feel insecure or a bit anxious because it’s out of your competence zone

    While confidence naturally feels strongest in familiar situations, real long-term confidence is built by stepping into new ones.

    Truth Number Three: Self-confidence depends on how you think about growth

    Dr Carol Dweck’s book Mindset reveals that success isn’t about talent, it’s about your belief in whether your abilities are fixed or can be developed

    She calls it the growth vs fixed mindset

    The fixed mindset is the belief that your innate abilities or talents are fixed and limited, and that’s that

    confidence in a fixed-minded person :

    People with a fixed mindset usually feel confident only when things are going well.

    If they fail or struggle, they take it personally and start believing they’re just not good enough.
    They see effort as a sign that they lack talent, as if they have to try harder, which must mean they’re not naturally gifted.

    And when someone gives them feedback, it feels like an attack instead of help.

    Because of that, their self-confidence depends on everything going right, and the moment it doesn’t, it drops.

    They often avoid new challenges just to protect that fragile feeling of being “good.”

    The growth mindset is the belief that your basic skills can be developed through effort, strategies, and help from others

    Confidence in a growth-minded person:

    They see challenges as opportunities to learn, and they believe effort is the path to mastery. They see feedback as necessary data to improve their weak points

    Their self-confidence comes from knowing they can figure this out, not that they have to be perfect right away.
    That’s why their self-confidence feels steadier; they might still feel nervous, uncertain, or scared before trying something new, but deep down, they trust that they will learn this eventually

    Three steps to build confidence

    Step number one: Take care of yourself

    Take care of the basics: sleep, nutrition, and workout

    Set a sleeping schedule, be sure to get your 7-8 hours

    For nutrition: start by adding more veggies or fruits, and drink more water gradually

    Eat balanced meals at consistent times each day. Focus on creating a stable, healthy routine, not on making a drastic change all at once

    Now this advice is a guideline, not a rigid rule. The goal is to find a personal rhythm that works for you.

    For those with shifting schedules, like nurses, it’s less about eating at the same time and more about creating a consistent pattern within your day

    like having your meals a certain number of hours apart, once you’re awake and active

    For workout: you don’t have to go to the gym, walking is the most underrated effective workout out there, you can use the Japanese interval walking technique

    Basically, 3 minutes of slow walking, then 3 minutes of brisk walking, repeat 5 times for a total of thirty minutes

    Do workouts at home; YouTube is full of tutorials

    cardio: If you’re looking for great low-impact workouts, I highly recommend the Body Project YouTube channel.

    They offer sustainable workouts that still provide a challenge. Their standing cardio sessions are personally my favorite

    Pilates: Madeliene Abeid’s YouTube channel has a one-week and one-month pilates plan

    Zumba, or whatever you like, as long as it is suitable and sustainable

    other recommendations for fitness/nutrition youtubers:

    liftwsarah

    Daniel jrStretch

    Joanna Soh Official

    Kylie Sakaida

    Glucose Revolution

    Remember: any movement is a good movement

    Step number two: build a portfolio of proof

    A portfolio of proof is a collection of memories of overcoming nervousness, fear, or anxiety,

    They are Evidence to show that you can handle new challenges. It’s a way to fight against self-doubt

    The more you accomplish, the more you’ll believe in yourself.

    Don’t wait for big wins

    Your portfolio of evidence doesn’t have to be a collection of big wins only, like a promotion or mastering a new skill; it could be:

    • speaking up in a meeting
    • saying no
    • posting your first-ever blog, YouTube video, or any creative work online
    • figuring out how to use a new tool by yourself ( for me, it was using WordPress for the first time, sure, it was overwhelming )
    • staying consistent through hard times
    • Trying again after giving up
    • moving forward even when progress feels slow
    • finishing something after procrastinating for weeks
    • recovering from a rejection or failure

    All of these are proof of: when you fall, you always return stronger, you can do uncomfortable things and survive the anxiety that comes with it, you can learn new things, starting from zero

    Document it, whether in a physical journal or notes app

    Add the date, what you did, what you felt, the lesson, or proof

    It doesn’t have to be daily

    Review them whenever you feel self-doubt, showing your inner critic evidence that you have done difficult things and will do them again

    Step number three: Cultivate a growth mindset

    First, answer these prompts to see if you lean towards a fixed or a growth mindset

    • When faced with a difficult new task, is your first thought “What if I fail?” or “I’m not good at this”?
    • When you hit an obstacle, is your first instinct to give up, believing your abilities are insufficient?
    • Do you believe that if you’re truly talented at something, you shouldn’t have to work hard at it?
    •  After a failure, do you find yourself thinking “I’m a failure” rather than “I failed this time”?
    • When a peer succeeds, does it make you feel insecure or jealous instead of inspired?
    • Do you frequently avoid tasks you’re not immediately good at, instead of saying “I can’t do this yet“?
    • When given constructive criticism, do you get defensive and take it as a personal attack?
    • Do you often compare your skills to others to see if you’re “naturally” better or worse?
    • Is your primary focus on proving your intelligence/talent (the result) rather than on improving and learning (the process)?
    •  Do you strongly prefer to stick to tasks you know you can excel at, avoiding the risk of looking foolish?

    If you have a growth mindset, Good for you! But if you don’t, here are the steps to cultivate it :

    Learn to listen to your fixed mindset when it’s online.

    What triggered it? Usually, it’s fear of judgment, comparison, or past failures.

    “I can’t do it “, “I am not good at this”, “What if I fail?” “People will judge me.”

    Embrace your fixed mindset, do not resist it, give it a name like Sharon or Karen

    When it comes online, “Oh great, Karen is being annoying again.”

    Talk back with a growth mindset

    “This is a chance to learn.”

    “Mistakes help me improve.”

    “effort is the path to mastery”

    Use the word yet in self-limiting statements

    “I don’t understand it yet.“

    “I haven’t mastered this yet.”

    “I can’t do it yet.”

    Commit to growth-oriented actions

    Set small achievable goals that stretch your abilities, like: improving a personal habit or learning a new skill or language

    Focus on incremental improvement every day

    Reflect on what went well each day and areas for improvement

    Be willing to be a beginner; it sucks before it gets better.

    celebrate process, not outcomes

    The process and the effort are what make it meaningful

    Praise yourself and others for hard work, persistence, and resilience

    Practice self-compassion and patience because it takes time. Your goal is not to eliminate a fixed mindset, but instead to recognize it and choose growth instead

    Check for more on my mindset book summary Pinterest board

    Self-confidence is a cycle. The real goal is to trust your ability to rebuild it every time it fades

  • Self worth vs Self confidence : Why they are not interchangeable

    Self worth vs Self confidence : Why they are not interchangeable

    Self-worth vs self-confidence: Is there really a difference? Yes, and it’s an important one.

    You might think, ”If I could just be more confident, I wouldn’t feel insecure anymore”

    But confidence alone doesn’t solve insecurity. Many people confuse self-worth with self-confidence.

    They’re not the same, and that confusion is why so many people chase confidence but still feel empty inside.

    Here’s the truth: if you build confidence without addressing your self-worth, you’re only covering a deep wound with a bandage.

    The real issue is usually self-worth. That’s why today I’ll focus on self-worth. We’ll cover confidence in more detail in the next post.

    Self-worth vs self-confidence: Definitions

    What is self-worth?

    According to the APA (American Psychological Association), it’s the individual’s evaluation of themself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration.

    Positive feelings of self-worth tend to be associated with a high degree of self-acceptance and self-esteem.

    What is self-confidence?

    According to APA, it is

    1- self-assurance: trust in one’s abilities, capacities, and judgment. Because it is typically viewed as a positive attitude

    2-a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task

    The key characteristics

    self-worth:

    It’s your fundamental sense of value and worthiness.

    Self-worth is internal and unconditional; you don’t need to prove it, earn it, or work for it.

    It’s not tied to things like beauty, achievements, or possessions

    You recognize that your value is constant, no matter what people think of you, whether you succeed or fail, or what your status is.

    It’s stable. Your sense of worth doesn’t jump up and down every day, though trauma or abuse can damage it

    Self-worth is about being. It answers questions like:

    Do I deserve to take up space simply because I exist? Do I deserve to be here?

    self-confidence:

    It’s your belief in your abilities and skills to achieve goals.

    It’s external and conditional; it grows out of practice, preparation, and experience.

    Confidence is built and earned, unlike self-worth, which you’re born with.

    It’s specific. You might feel confident in your career but insecure in your social life

    It fluctuates. Confidence can rise or fall depending on recent events, successes, failures, or feedback.

    Self-confidence is about doing. It answers questions like:

    Am I prepared enough to handle this task?

    Can I successfully do this?

    Signs of low self-worth

    • Constant negative self-talk
    • Apologizing when you don’t need to
    • Struggling to accept compliments
    • Focusing on failures and dismissing successes
    • Fearing failure because you think it means you are a failure
    • Feeling like a fraud even when competent (imposter syndrome)
    • People pleasing and saying yes when you want to say no
    • Poor boundaries, neglecting your own needs
    • Staying in toxic relationships because you think you don’t deserve better
    • Struggling to make decisions without reassurance
    • Comparing yourself to others and always feeling “less than.”
    • Believing you’re only worthy if you’re beautiful, thin, or successful

    Signs of high self-worth

    • Accepting yourself, flaws and all, with compassion
    • Receiving compliments without discomfort
    • Trusting your own judgment
    • Viewing failure as a lesson, not proof of your worth
    • Setting boundaries without guilt
    • Prioritizing self-care because you know you deserve it
    • Trying new things without fear of failure
    • Feeling secure in relationships without fear of abandonment
    • Not tolerating disrespect
    • Celebrating others’ success without feeling inadequate

    Examples of self-worth

    Low self-worth:

    • “I don’t really matter.”
    • “People probably just tolerate me.”
    • “If someone rejects me, it means I’m not good enough.”
    • “I have to earn love by proving myself.”
    • “If I say no, they’ll think I’m rude.”
    • “I should be grateful someone even noticed me.”
    • “They’re probably out of my league.”
    • “I’ll just take whatever’s available; I don’t need anything special.”
    • “I don’t want to bother anyone. I’ll just stay quiet.”
    • “My needs are not as important as everyone else’s.”

    High self-worth:

    •  “I belong here just as much as anyone else.”
    • “It’s okay to say no, I’m still a good person.”
    • “I deserve opportunities that align with me, not just leftovers.”
    • “I’m grateful they noticed me, but I also bring value.”
    • “I am valuable just as I am.”
    • “I deserve respect and kindness.”
    • “Someone rejecting me doesn’t define me.”
    • “My worth isn’t tied to achievements or other people’s approval.”
    • “My needs matter too; I can speak up politely.”
    • “Saying ‘no’ protects my energy, and that is valid.”

    Why is it important to know the difference

    If you confuse self-worth with self-confidence, you end up in a toxic cycle.

    You’ll chase skills, goals, or appearance improvements to feel better

    But because your worth is tied to external results, the relief is always temporary

    Confidence alone can’t protect you from insecurity. Even confident people can feel deeply insecure if their self-worth isn’t solid

    How to heal self-worth

    Self Awareness

    Ask: What do I tie my worth to? Looks? Success? Productivity?
    Then ask: Where did I learn that? Often, the roots go back to childhood

    For example, your worth is tied to your external looks, and you believe you are unworthy of love because you don’t look like the pretty girls who get attention and validation

    Bridging beliefs

    Bridging beliefs are like the middle steps between your limiting beliefs and the empowering ones

    to go from I am unworthy to I am worthy will trigger your inner critic and feel unbelievable

    the limiting belief ” I am unworthy”

    Bridging beliefs :

    • “I’m practicing seeing myself as enough, one small step at a time.“
    • “ I’m allowed to exist exactly as I am.“
    • “My worth might not depend on other people’s opinions as much as I thought.“
    • “I’m open to the possibility that my worth is not defined by what I achieve.“
    • “It’s possible that I am more worthy than I’ve realized.“
    • “I don’t have to be perfect to have value.“

    Pick one or two affirmations that feel believable, not forced, and repeat them. Over time, they weaken the older beliefs and prepare your mind for stronger affirmations

    Inner child work

    visualize your inner child and tell them what they needed to hear but didn’t

    Validate that child

    • “I love you just the way you are. You don’t need to do anything to earn love.”
    • “You are enough, even if no one told you that before.“
    • “I see how hard you’ve tried, and your effort matters, even if others didn’t notice.”
    • “You are strong for surviving everything you went through.”
    • “You have value even on days when you don’t feel it.“
    • “It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes don’t mean you are not good enough.”
    • “No one has the right to make you feel small or unimportant.”

    Practice self-respect

    Self-respect is basically how much you value and honor yourself. It’s about recognizing your own worth and treating yourself in a way that shows you matter

    Action reshapes beliefs. When you practice self-respect, your brain is collecting evidence that, after all, you are worthy

    Each act of self-respect, big or small, will reinforce the new identity of someone worthy

    1-Keep your promises

    Self-respect grows when you trust yourself like you would trust your reliable friend

    Example of small promises :

    Take 3 deep breaths before checking your phone in the morning

    Read 2 pages of a book each day

    Review your to-do list and tick off at least 1 thing

    Keep a promise so small you can’t fail, that’s how you build momentum

    2- Take care of your needs

    You can use the self-care pillars as a framework; it provides structure and ensures you are nurturing different areas of your life

    So the self-care pillars are:

    • Mental: Activities to keep your mind sharp and help you stay mentally healthy
    • Physical: Take care of your body
    • Emotional: It is an act of identifying and understanding, and learning how to sit with uncomfortable emotions
    • Spiritual: Doing acts that nourish your soul and heart
    • Social: Doing activities to deepen your relationships
    • Recreational: Making time for hobbies, leisure, and activities you enjoy purely for the sake of joy and play
    • Environmental: Create the type of environment to work for you

    I know this might be overwhelming, but start small, one or two pillars at a time. Which pillar needs your care the most?

    Here is a Pinterest board on self-care pillars

    3-Live by your values

    Align your actions with your morals

    Ask yourself what they are. Take time to reflect and be patient

    •  If a miracle granted you 5 extra hours each week and $1,000 a month, no-strings attached, how would you choose to spend them? Be specific. (No, you can’t just save it or pay bills),  This cuts through what you have to do and reveals what you truly want to do
    •  What is a consistent irritant in your life or work? (Think: a cluttered desk, constant interruptions, a friend who is always late). Now, ask: What value is being violated here? Our pet peeves are clues. Irritation at a messy space points to a value of Order or Peace. Annoyance at constant lateness points to Respect or Consideration. Your frustrations show you what you hold dear
    • Imagine your future self, looking back on a life well lived. If you could be described by just one word, what would you want that word to be? This forces a powerful prioritization. That one word, be it Kind, Brave, Creative, or Free, is likely your non-negotiable value

    4-Set boundaries

    Boundaries are never about others; it’s about you

    It is about protecting your peace

    And here is a thing: if you are a chronic people pleaser, setting boundaries will make you feel aggressive, but don’t let that stop you

    Setting boundaries at the beginning is much easier than trying to enforce them later on

    More importantly, following through with your boundary by applying consequences is even more crucial than setting it

    5-Environment

    Don’t stay in spaces, relationships, or communities where you are constantly belittled

    Or distance yourself if you live in a community where you can’t leave the house (especially in this economy ), or cut off your toxic parents, distance yourself as much as you can

    Curate the content you watch

    Be intentional about what you watch, read, and who you follow

    6- Self-compassion

    Remember, whatever you say to yourself, you say it also to your inner child

    That child deserves understanding, grace, and kindness

    Instead of criticizing yourself when you struggle, you pause and say, ”It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m still learning. I still deserve care.”

    Reframe your thoughts

    7- Lastly, patience

    You have been carrying this belief for decades; it won’t go away in one night. It is a lifelong practice, not a race

    Self-worth is the foundation; it is the internal knowing that you deserve love and respect simply because you exist

    Self-confidence shows up in action, the inner trust, you can handle this

  • How to Stay Consistent? Breaking the Cycle of Quitting

    How to Stay Consistent? Breaking the Cycle of Quitting

    So a new quarter , a new season or a new year begins

    It’s time to focus on our goals and finally become the best versions of ourselves .

     We start a new routine , new diet , new workout , new courses , new habits with excitement and after two weeks ?three? Month ? We stop .

    We get depressed ,we enter a slump , we get mad at ourselves for messing up …again , we think we have lost all the progress we have made over the past few months .

    Enter the all or nothing mindset we watch a couple of motivating self help / David goggins videos .

    We start again with a new routine , courses , and workout then stop again and start all over , we never reach our goals .

    We wonder why can’t we be disciplined enough to stay consistent and focused ? well I am here to tell why ,and what to do about it

    Why we don’t stay consistent

    The motivational cliff

    You know that surge of motivation, that emotional high when we get inspired and think this time is different.

    You create new routine , download a new app , new journal , then dive in , you are consistent for the first week or  two

    Then life hits you , a bad day , a busy day , and you feel tired , and exhausted and  that spark fades away.

    The problem with motivation is  that  it is an emotion and emotions are temporary , they won’t last forever

    The middle phase is when your goals are no longer sparkly and new , it turns into work.

     That’s when your consistency crumbles if you only depend on motivation

    Motivation is external and reactive , it usually happens when you watch a motivational video ,a  self help video like prepare for 2026, glow up videos , how to make a vision board ( which I am guilty of watching too , I can’t help it )

    It’s a source outside of you , when that emotional surge fades you stop and  keep waiting for the next hit of inspiration before you can act

    Motivation is there when things are easy and new and exciting (like in the first few weeks of committing to a new habit) , then when you hit a block , feel tired or bored it  disappears.

    How to work through it

    Discipline

    Let’s reframe discipline as self love since discipline sounds harsh and strict

    Instead of thinking ‘’I have to be disciplined to do this’’ , lets say ‘’I am gonna do this because I love myself / my future self needs me / I respect myself’’ , let it come from a source of love not hate or force

    This narrative will make it much easier and here is the thing self love is not this constant feeling of loving yourself ,

    It is also a series of actions that you take , like committing to yourself and doing what you said you were going to do , not only you will be able to build discipline but you will  also build this inner trust

    Create micro habits

    Make it so small that even on the tough days it is easy for you to do it , or to at least start because usually the starting point is the problem

    You know the 2 minutes rule , after two minutes of doing the work you will feel like continuing the task and if you don’t  , you will still have shown yourself effort even if it is only 2 minutes.

    So instead of : “ I need to feel motivated for a one hour gym session “ try try: “I will go to the gym and walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes only. If I want to leave, I will.”

    You will actually end up staying for that 1-hour session because then you will think: “Well, I am here, I might as well do more.”

    Even if you don’t, you showed up for yourself, and that’s what matters.

    Habit stacking

    In the book atomic habit , james clear talks about habit stacking , to stack a new habit with an old  one

    Like “ I will write after I drink my cup of coffee”  or “ after I brush my teeth I will journal”

    The more you repeat it , the more  it turns into a habit you won’t have to think or feel like doing it

    Identity

    Make It part of your identity , this is the most powerful shift , instead of being motivated to do the thing .

    You do it because it is part of who you are , if one of your goals is  to be a writer then ask your self what would a writer do ? write right .

    You write not because you have to but because it is who you are , you are a writer

    So you can structure your new habit like this “ every day after dinking my coffee I will write for 10 minutes “

    Every time  you do it , you prove  to yourself that you are a writer and with repetition it turns into a habit

    As time passes you will write not because you have to or  are motivated but because this is  who you are

    Unrealistic expectation

    The unrealistic high bar we set for ourselves , we have this fantasy , day dream that we will be able to master this skill / habit easily and quickly

    But when we meet with reality it is nothing like what we thought

    We meet the first block and everything we dreamed off shatters ( sorry but we aren’t the female lead of a fantasy novel going through her training arc and suddenly she is powerful  and the only one who can defeat the villain after 3 months of training )

    We tend to have this overnight success fantasy and underestimate the work behind the scene, we focus on the finished book , the dream body , successful business , dream life

    That we forget the messy hard work it took to reach them , the discipline it takes to get that body , the research , production ,and  marketing,  all the trial and errors to get the business blooming , the first second and third drafts and much more, the editing phase , promotion to get that book out ,

    We ignore the boring work it takes to get there , so after working for a few weeks or months on our goals and when we don’t see progress or immediate success , we think it is not working and we stop or we think our goals are hard to achieve because we underestimated how hard work it will actually take to achieve them

    We tend to be perfectionists , we refuse to start anything new if it won’t be perfect the first time ,

    The fear of producing something mediocre stops you from reaching where you want to be  

    How to work through it

    Give yourself permission to suck

    Give yourself permission to be a beginner , give yourself some grace .

    I know this sounds easier than it is , but you will have to change the way you talk to yourself when you mess up .

    Imagine a little child learning obviously the child will mess up multiple times, but does the child deserve to be punished or screamed at for making mistakes ?no , the same thing applies to you

    Embrace this beginner phase, there is a difference between skill acquisition and habit formation .

    Habit formation is about consistency , we want to first build that consistent foundation of you showing up even when not motivated

    Skill acquisition means improvement , deliberate learning each practice.

    The focus in this phase is on the habit formation , focus on showing up rather than getting better each time

    Like that you will lower your expectations instead of “I must perfect this” it will be “I showed up”

    Stop measuring yourself to experts

    Sure, you can look up to experts and dream to be like them one day but you can’t compare yourself to them .

    They are experts who have practiced 10000 times and have more experience , they were in the beginner phase too .

    Everyone has to start somewhere  so instead of measuring yourself against them , your only competition is yourself

    Ask yourself ‘’did I do better than last time ?’’ ‘’ what did I learn ?’’

    Remind yourself sometimes progress isn’t visible the whole time

    Get ready for failure

    Do some research , what kind of blocks will you face ? be prepared

    You will hit a phase after the excitement goes away , it will be boring , frustrating , you will want to quit. maybe even regret starting

    But this is  filter phase it separates people who are serious from who are playing , your job is to persist.

    All or nothing mindset

    It is a curse truly,  as someone who struggles with it

    For the last two weeks everything has been perfect, you have been waking up 5 am , going to the gym , eating healthy meals , working on your project without missing a beat

    And then as always life happens , you hang out with your friends , you eat pizza , you are tired from work you cant work on your project , you overslept woke up 1o instead of 5

    For us with the all or nothing mindset , our brains read this is as failure , that we are undisciplined

    We tend to think that this one time we messed up erased all the progress we made so far .

    And that breaks that perfect streak , we tend to mix consistency with perfectionism

    Thinking the line should be perfect which is not true .

    We ignore the law of averages , the progress we make depends on the overall average of our choices , if we did 85 percent good choices and 15 okay choices that is still a progress

    We stay stuck in a loop , a cycle of restating and quitting , instead of returning back and continuing to build the momentum .we waste huge energy starting all over again

    How to work through it

    something is better than nothing mindset

    never zero mindset

    You basically never let a day pass without doing something no matter how small towards your goals

    You missed workout ? do 5 squads and 5 push off today

    You ate pizza for lunch ? eat a healthy meal for dinner

    Lazy to write a whole page today? Write a sentence

    Cant watch course ? watch for five minutes and that’s it

    This mindset will help shatter the idea of total success or total failure and will reinforce you as someone who shows up consistently.

    self compassion

    There are days that we will slip up and that is okay , there will always be tomorrow to start again .

    Imagine your friend crying for messing up today thinking they lost all their progress and entering a spiral of negative thoughts you wouldn’t say “yes you are a failure ‘’ , ‘’you lost all your progress ‘’

    You would say ‘’it is okay to mess up , it is just one day ‘’, ‘’it is okay just get back on track on the next thing ‘’ so tell that to yourself

    Breaking this mentality will take time , you will need patience and grace

    focus on the right choice

    Move on ,you slipped up okay it is in the past now , I can only look forward

    Focus on choosing the right choice next time instead of dwelling on the wrong one which will keep you stuck in the past

    The shiny object syndrome

    You are working on your goal , it is on longer sparkly or exciting , you are bored , frustrated ,and seeing  no progress yet still practicing

    Then you get this new idea of a project, different goal or better method , it promises potential and faster way to success , this is the shiny object

    It is the tendency to chase new goals on the expense of the old one .

    Leaving mountain of uncompleted goals , courses and so on

    The reasons this happens  is dopamine , When we are pursuing our goals as time passes it gets boring  and repetitive

    The sound of new ideas and goals seems more exciting and appealing .

    It gives us that emotional high that we don’t get it midway unless we made progress and that takes harder work .

    It also helps us escape discomfort ,because  it gets uncomfortable midway as difficulties emerging,

    Fomo (the fear of missing out):, we see someone trying this course, new app or new method and we fear that by sticking to what we are doing we are missing out , what if this new method or  path is what will guarantee us success ?

    Because of  this we end being serial beginners/starters .

    We always start a new thing but never complete them to the very end and we get stuck in this loop of quitting and restarting .

    We waste resources time energy and possibly money . worse  , we destroy our self trust , we show to ourselves that we are unreliable and can’t follow through .

    It destroys our confidence in being committed and makes quitting easier the next time things get hard

    How to work through it

    Write it down

    When you get new ideas write down in a notepad or in your phone’s  notes app, don’t leave them in your head  it will distract you

    Give the idea an outlet , then later explore it at the  end of the day or better leave it for couple of days the excitement will fade away

    Ask yourself

    Is it truly a distraction ? not all ideas are bad so ask your self: will this help me get to my goal ? is it align with my long term vision ?

    If this idea is actually beneficial and will help you then go ahead but if it will shift your focus from the current goal and makes you restart again then leave it

    Set with the discomfort

    Usually this syndrome happens because we are bored or faced by a problem , learn to sit with the boredom and face the problem ,learn how to tolerate the discomfort

    The path to our goal is not going to be straight or flawless it is going to  be bumpy with rocks

    Connect with the why

    This could happen because we have forgotten the main purpose of this why we do what we do ? connect with that inner motivation

    Put boundaries with yourself

    We will not ignore every new idea or goal  forever but we have to put boundaries  with ourselves instead of saying no say not now

    You will explore this idea later , use it as an award , after reaching a milestone of finishing a course I will explore this idea

    The grass is greener where you water it stop looking at the other side and pour your energy into your own lawn

    Fear of failure or success

    Fear of failure

    This is the most obvious one , it is that self preservation voice that protects us out of fear of failing

    Although we don’t really fear failing it is more protecting our selves of  public embarrassment and humiliation

    So it is the ego’s way of protecting  itself , if we stop midway we still have this potential , we tell ourselves I could have if I tried it is more comfortable   story than I tried my best and failed , if you never truly finished you never truly fail

    Fear of consequences

    Fear of people’s reaction , fear if they knew they would laugh at you , humiliate you , or  expose you as a fraud , your brain will magnify it and turn it into a catastrophe  

    The What if loop

    what if I failed / I wasted my time / people judged me / my money goes to waste ?

    This becomes the perfect excuse for inaction

    Fear of success

    This is a quieter more surprising fear , because why would we be afraid of success?

    Success raises the bar

    You will feel this heavy weight of high expectations on you , like you wrote a successful book you will fear that the next one must be better , you get promoted ? you will now have new responsibilities  , this expectation will leave you feeling overwhelmed and pressured

    Imposter syndrome

    The feeling that you are a fraud , the fear that you will get exposed and that you have no idea what you are doing

    This can be strong enough motivator to sabotage your progress

    Change of identity and friendship

    Success will change you , I mean in order to have reached this you must have worked on yourself and adopted this successful version of you ,

    Changes are going to happen In your inner circle , you might drop friends because they were jealous of you  or no longer aligned with your new version, success might leave you lonely , your subconscious mind will see this as a threat to you and your social circle so it sabotages you as a way of preservation

    How to work through it

    Change the narrative

    With fear of failure

    Remind yourself failure is not that big scary thing , it is data to learn from

     It  gets you one step closer to success , ask yourself what did you do wrong ?how can I  adjust?

    I remember my first ever interview after graduating I messed up , my resume was all over the place , I didn’t organize to fit the position

    I added a lot of irrelevant things and completely forgot to research the company ,I got silently rejected .

    However some things happened later that made me thank God I didn’t get accepted , so this job interview wasn’t really a failure , it taught me what to be careful about next time I get an interview ,

    Sometimes failure could be a blessing in disguise , when you start spiraling into the  what ifs , What if I failed? I will learn from it and get back up , what if people judge me ? people judge either way so do it regardless

    Change the way you talk to yourself , literally negotiate with your thoughts logically

    With fear of success

    Define success in your own terms, success isn’t the same to everyone, write down the fears what if I lost my friends ? then I will find a  new tribe , counter each thought you have with a logical one or flip them

    Instead of what if I succeed and get more responsibilities flip it to if I succeed I will have more resources and choice , I will have more money and the ability to live the life I want

    Focus on the progress , fear of success and failure both hyper fixate on the results , instead focus on the current steps  

    The fear of failure tells you to stay small to avoid pain Meanwhile fear of success tells you to stay small to avoid change

    Both made by the brain to keep you safe but the real growth happens outside of that safe zone

    In our journey to growth you will have to be courageous

    That doesn’t mean to being fearless but doing it afraid anyway

    Overwhelm

    You started with a clear vision. You are in the thick of it. Reality sets in, and all of a sudden it feels like a never ending path to reach your goal.

    Our brains have limited capacity to hold on to unfinished tasks.

    When you overload them with 50 tasks to reach your goal, it creates cognitive load and background anxiety.

    Whenever you work on a task, your brain whispers about the other tasks , creating anxiety that you have more to do.

    You set a vague goal, like write a book. Your brain sees it as a big, unbreakable task, triggering stress and avoidance.

    How to work through it

    Use the Next Action Method

    When you get overwhelmed, ask yourself: What action do I need to take now?

    • Goal: write a blog post
    • Next action: open a blank document
    • Next action: write the intro
    • Next action: write the first paragraph

    The task should be small to avoid overwhelm.

    Write it down

    Free some mental RAM in your brain. When you are working on a task and your brain whispers

    Write it down on paper or in a notes app, then look at it later and schedule time for it.

    Focus on your progress not outcome

    Whenever you focus on the result, you will feel overwhelmed, remembering that you still have a lot to do.

    Instead, focus on what you have to do now and how far you already came.

    Overwhelm is not a sign of a big, impossible goal

    It is a sign of vague planning.

    It becomes manageable when you break it down into smaller tasks. Your role is not to look at the top of the mountain but to look at your next footsteps.

    The cycle of quitting only continues if you let it. But every time you choose to show up, even in the smallest way, you’re proving to yourself that you can be trusted, that you can keep going, and that you’re capable of building the life you want.

    So the next time you feel the slump creeping in, remind yourself: something is always better than nothing, and starting again is never failure

  • Mistakes to avoid in your self improvement journey

    Mistakes to avoid in your self improvement journey

    When I started self-improvement, I thought self-love was my salvation.

    Self-love would be the all-in-one solution. I started this path with the thought:”i want to love myself”.

    Along the way, I made mistakes and realized I had flawed thoughts that sabotaged my progress.

    It made me stuck in this loop of starting and quitting

    So in this blog, I want to share the mistakes and thoughts that were blocking my way for you to avoid or be aware of them

    because it could be sneaky sometimes if you don’t pay attention

    Self-love is my salvation

    Back then, I genuinely thought that self-love would save me

    I thought if I could love myself, I would wake up with unshakable confidence, never feel insecure again, and be lovable.

    It was the same way I treated glow up in my teenage years

    I believed losing weight would make me feel worthy and lovable.

    I made self-love into a genie, that would grant me everything I wanted: the perfect life, the constant happiness, the love I wanted

    Looking back now: WOW

    Yes, self-love will change you; it will give you the courage to better yourself

    , to grow, to heal, to leap, but you will still face problems because that is life.

    You will go through setbacks, bad days, moments of insecurity

    Self-love won’t necessarily keep toxic partners out of your life.

    However, it will give you the strength to stop letting them in and kick them out.

    The takeaway here: many people(myself included) approached self-love and improvement believing it would remove pain, insecurity, or loneliness, believing it would provide relief

    I am not saying this to discourage you.

    It is a beautiful journey, but all I am saying is not to think it is a tool that will magically fix everything

    Self-acceptance means liking everything about myself

    I felt I had to like everything about myself to accept myself.

    So I forced myself, but spoiler alert: it didn’t work

    It took time to understand what self-acceptance truly means

    Self-acceptance means to acknowledge reality without denial or self-hate

    To take an honest look at yourself, acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses

    To be okay with where you are right now, knowing you are worthy regardless

    Change is okay as long as it isn’t coming from a place of unworthiness and shame

    Changing something you dislike about yourself is okay; dislike doesn’t necessarily mean it stems from shame

    It might simply not resonate with your personality or preferences

    Maybe you have outgrown habits, or perhaps they clash with your current values

    A dislike that stems from shame is rooted in comparison; it is tied to the belief that I am not good enough unless I change this.

    So, why does it matter where the change stems from, whether it is shame or not, if I can change it?

    Because it will backfire

    It attacks your worth, even if you change

    Your mindset will look for another target to shame

    It creates a punishment cycle

    This pressure will lead to burnout and rebound behaviors, and you will be stuck in a cycle :

    Get motivated out of fear – do everything you can – feel like nothing is enough – burn out – restart again

    If you are suffering from shame, the antidote is usually self-compassion

    I recommend healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw and books by the author brene brown

    The takeaway: self-acceptance is basically a reality check without judgment or shame

    That’s how self-acceptance and improvement aren’t as counterintuitive as they first seem

    When you are okay with where you are and know that you are worthy, regardless

    It makes improvement easier because you aren’t rushing or conditioning yourself

    You might have heard people saying that once they accepted themselves, everything became much easier

    That is because they no longer resist their current circumstances

    I have to fix myself

    This one could be a little bit sneaky because we use it in our language daily without paying attention

    When we keep saying I have to fix myself, we are telling ourselves we are broken and we need fixing

    I kept pressuring myself to do the inner work consistently, and somehow, I unconsciously made it a condition

    I have to heal everything before I permit myself to live

    That I have to ‘fix’ everything

    Inner work is important, but the question is: ”for how long ” before we can live life normally

    How long to be in the moment, not rush the process to look for another broken thing inside of us to ‘fix’

    We are not broken to be fixed

    We are humans , we live , we get hurt , we heal , we grow , we thrive

    Consuming self-help content without action

    Self-improvement content can be addictive

    It gives you motivation, making you feel like you are achieving something

    It could be an excuse to procrastinate

    You keep telling yourself that you are planning, that you want to gather more info

    It is okay to consume self-help content, but let’s be honest, the self-improvement world is repetitive

    The truth is, you already know what you need to do; you are only distracting yourself

    Stop telling yourself that you need to watch this video or that one. No, you don’t

    It’s time to apply the knowledge you gained.

    I used self-improvement as a condition to deserve my own love

    When I started this path, it came from a place of self-hate

    I made self-improvement a to-do list: Do inner work, journal, meditate, practice affirmations, and change limiting beliefs.

    I thought once I was ”done” with the work

    Once I became my desired future self, I could finally love myself and approve of who I saw in the mirror

    I didn’t realize at the time that my journey was built on a foundation of conditional love

    That is why, along with other reasons, I was stuck in this loop of starting and quitting.

    My motivation wasn’t for growth

    But rather, the attempt to close the gap between who I was and who I thought I had to be to be worthy

    It looked like: If I lose this amount of weight, then I will accept myself

    If I became the best version of myself, then I can love myself.

    The love and acceptance I wanted were always attached to the next goal

    Self-love was always out of reach, and the present self was never enough

    I made self-love conditional and attached my self-worth to productivity

    I could never arrive; the finishing line kept moving

    It caused burnout.

    When your worth is tied to productivity & outcome, you set yourself up for failure because you will face the inevitable setbacks

    With this mentality, they become proof of inadequacy

    This only fuels the shame and self-criticism

    To be honest, I am still learning how to break free from this conditional love pattern

    When you grew up with this kind of love, it’sn’t easy to break

    Especially when you have never experienced unconditional love, so you don’t know what that looks like, but I am taking baby steps

    So what to do?

    First:

    recognize that conditional love thought when it surfaces, the if/then statement, and reframe it

    For example, turn ” if I became my best self, then I can accept myself ” to “I am accepting who I am right now ”

    Second :

    Practice Self-compassion for when that inner critic comes online, you can even give it a name, to distance yourself from it

    Third:

    Reparent your inner child; this is the core inner work

    Teach that child that they are loved no matter what

    The trap of the ”perfect day”

    I used to have this expectation of how my day should be

    This picture-perfect day, with my to-do list checked off

    Every moment being productive, if it didn’t go how I wanted, I thought I had failed. This was my perfectionism

    The problem is the gap between this expectation and the reality,

    which is: self-improvement isn’t linear, and you will have bad days

    By demanding that every day should be this flawless, perfect day, I was setting myself up for disappointment

    A single bad day doesn’t mean failure; it can’t just erase the days you were disciplined

    On the path of self-improvement, you notice your patterns, learn as you go, and treat yourself with patience along the way

    These are the mistakes that slowed me down, but also taught me about my patterns and how growth happens

    I hope sharing them helps you spot these mistakes early on and move forward with more clarity

    And if you are doing them now, you are aware, and that is the first crucial step to move forward.

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